Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
How does one acquire holy water?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
