Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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