I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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