i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
