You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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