maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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