I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
