She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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