i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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