Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
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Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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