Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
