I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
