My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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