I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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