I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Naked Twister starts at high noon
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
