chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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