you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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