is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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