Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
