If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
