and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
