he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
