I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
