Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
