this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
