Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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