the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
