God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
that is very illegal...i love you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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