I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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