if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
