We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
