Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
