Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
