I want to have your abortion
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
