Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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