My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
