and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
