I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
