I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
