I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
should my penis look like a turkey
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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