ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
