There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
one two three fourrrrnication!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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