I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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