Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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