im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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