OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
