New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
