I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im six kinds of drunk right now
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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