He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
