It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
