He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
