My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
