Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
