Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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