My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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